meditations and Metal Music: The Week Catch-up

 Another still night at the house, and I have pierced the quiet with Fear Factory on shuffle play on Spotify. Spent the day cleaning and beefing up my LinkedIn profile as I think I hear the death rattle at my current job.

She called me on Thursday asking me to watch the dog that she took, as she was in Colorado looking for a house to set up a base camp to start her ‘new life’. The dog was at her mother’s, and her mother was having a breakdown trying to take care of him. AS little 8-lb Shih Tzu-Yorkie mix was “too much”. Then she said that her mother had booked a plane ticket out to met her in Colorado. Un-fucking-real and completely predictable, like mother like daughter, having to be at the center of the action and staying behind to help someone, even for a short time, was unacceptable.

I went and got the dog and went about my life as usual. She sent me texts saying that she had found a house and sent me the MLS. I looked up the listing and like I had guessed, all she saw was dollars and cents and hasn’t taken anything else into consideration. The house will be a money pit and a never-ending source of woe for her, but it’s not my place to comment. She wants to be independent, then here it is. Not my problem.

She picked up the dog with her new friend. Seems like a nice enough fellow, but fuck him, fuck his mother, and fuck everyone that looks like him.

Holding my tongue is another small step for me. A lot of who I was before was always looking out for her, and I need to let that go. I need to focus on rebuilding myself, and her actions cannot play any role. I have no idea what stage of grief this is, and admitting that I’m grieving makes me angry. It’s a loss of control in a situation I had no control of to begin with. My house, my routine, my writing, my photography, and my painting are all going to help rebuild. It should come soon I hope because I’m getting tired of my own complaints. I’m getting tired of marinating in this bullshit. I’m getting tired of thinking about the effort I put in. I’m getting tired of feeling betrayed and used.